New York Times Syndicate

 

Office Christmas Parties Are No Holiday

By Joe Mullich

 

This month begins the annual Corporate Party Season.

First, you’ll enjoy the Office Christmas Party. That will be followed by the many “farewell parties” that will be held for all your co-workers who decided to “have fun” at the Office Christmas Party.
Office parties have ended more careers than mandatory retirement.

At one point during the festivities, the boss may say something like, “I want everyone to relax, have a great time, and remember this is a party!” You should take this on the same face value as you would when a job interviewer says, “Tell me what are your greatest weaknesses?”

Company Christmas parties are like negotiations – the longer you keep your mouth shut, the more likely you are to come out a winner. However, the informality of the occasion – not to mention the complimentary bar – can cause usually reserved employees to saddle up to their boss and bring up "taboo" subjects. These include:

• Give Me a Raise.

• Give Me a Promotion.

• Give Me a Raise or I’m Quitting.

• You Can’t Run This Place Without Me.

• Hey, You Want to Know What People Around Here Really Think of You, Skinflint?

More appropriate topics are to ask the boss about his favorite hobbies or to laugh at his jokes (Often you may have trouble identifying whether your boss is telling a joke, so chuckle every few minutes; it’s important, though, that you be able to instantly change your “chuckle” into a “cough” if the boss’s harsh stare indicates he was actually describing, say, his recent hernia operation.)
Chances are you’ll have to say something to the boss during the event. The boss will usually be stationed at the door, grabbing the hand of anyone who walks by. This leads to many conversations like:

Boss: “I just want to say what a fabulous job you’re doing for the company. I certainly won’t forget it.“

Guest: “I don’t work for you. My wife does.”

Boss: “And she’s doing a fabulous job. Have fun! Remember this is a party!”

A potentially embarrassing situation may develop in which the boss doesn’t remember the names of his underlings. If the boss of the company you’ve worked at for 15 years identifies you as “Umm,” don’t get flustered. Use it as an opportunity to “make your mark.”

Correct the matter with a bon mot, such as:

“My name? Given the way I’m treated around here, you might as well call be Bob Crachit.”

A clever remark this like ensures the boss will learn and remember your name until the day you leave the company, which should be about December 27.

The sensible executive regards the Office Christmas Party in the same way an army battalion looks upon a mine field. Forget the odds of being blown apart and remember your attack plan. Keep in mind:

• High Jinks. People who are “The Life of the Party” are generally those who photograph their backside and fax the results to the regional sales office in Nome. This is generally the way people come to work at the regional sales office in Nome.

• Romance. Many self-proclaimed “Don Juans” materialize at office parties, spurred by drink, festiveness and the fact that the secretaries don’t have their usual staple guns handy. Remember: While the good times quickly recede into memory, you will be able to cherish your sexual harassment suit forever.

• Gifts. It is permissible to give your boss a Christmas present during the party, providing you don’t seem to be “buttering him up.” Use tact:

You: “Boss, I knew you said we shouldn’t exchange gifts this year, but I just wanted to show my appreciation.”

Boss: “This is a beautiful pen set. But it’s much too expensive.”

You: “Don’t give that a thought. You deserve it. Besides, I got it from the supply room.”

• Bores. During the party you will likely be pinned to the wall by a colleague who must have attended the Charm School for I.R.S. Auditors. During one of his lengthy monologues say, “That sounds interesting. Let me think about that.” And walk away. You may say this at any point while he is talking (or even if he pauses to gulp down a beverage): People at office parties are so concerned about putting their foot in their mouth that they never have the slightest idea what they’re saying.

• Afterward. A few days after the party, coworkers will offer to show you the photo they took at the Christmas Office Party. That’s fine. However, if someone offers to sell you the photos they took at the Christmas party, start updating your resume.

My humorous essays and columns have appeared in dozens of newspapers and magazines. Email me if you'd like to see some that are available for reprint.

 

Back to samples page